


Jean's Letter

by Stnap



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, aot
Genre: BL, Emotional Baggage, Gay, God - Freeform, Jean is Sad, JeanxMarco - Freeform, Letter, M/M, Short, aot - Freeform, attack on titan - Freeform, hes half the man, marcos dead, sad shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 15:11:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6709924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stnap/pseuds/Stnap
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was told by the counselor woman to write and deliver a letter to someone I love, but I’m not going to send it.  I can't send it.  The person I love--he’s gone.  You're gone, Marco.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jean's Letter

_Marco,_

You can’t see it, but I’m shaking my head at you.

Why do you have to be so far away?

Why do you have to be up there instead of down here?

I get angry sometimes trying to come up with answers to solution-less questions.

How was your morning? I woke up with another headache- there’s so much stuff I want to talk to you about, but there’s so very little time. It’s hard to go through every day not knowing you’re alright. I worry about you so much and whether or not you’ll lose interest in me.

Worried that you’ll somehow read this and scold me because it’s not the humorous stuff I usually say.

...

It’s not really a worry is it…?

I guess I’m scared.

And being scared sucks--You should know, you little arachnophobia dork.

I refused to get up without a struggle today because I knew I couldn’t wish you good morning. I knew you wouldn’t be there to shake me until my eyes rolled out of my head and my ear exploded from you yelling, “Wake up! Wake up! Oh my--Jean! Wake the fuck up!” and that’s kind of depressing for me.

I can’t handle it like a wet bar of soap in a little kids hands-- not being able to see you that is. I must sound like an obsessed stalker, huh?

I’m not meaning to.

I guess my feelings are spilling out of me in giant chunks like rum out of an upside down bottle that I’ve kept closed all these years.

For the past few days I’ve been thinking about you, among other things. Like that one time when you and your friend fought over the doorway because you both wanted to talk to me at once, though I needed to speak with her for the moment and not you. I was on the other end of the room trying not to laugh as it was incredibly amusing.

You always seemed to bring joy into my day just by being there.

I also remember how you sat in your bunk, talking and swaying and studdering as you attempted to not make eye contact with me because of how nervous you were--it was the first time we talked face to face without an instructor up our ass. You kept grabbing at your fingers, slipping your tongue and making awkward faces when you screwed up your sentences; we’ve had more conversations since then, and I believe you had grown more comfortable with me. Atleast. I hope so.

I also hope that I’m not just digging a hole in flattery just to find an empty chest of awkwardness you actually held. You were smart, you knew how to act like you weren’t jealous, and you could make anyone smile by the simplest words your tiny-lipped-mouth spoke. You were incredibly hard to read--much like a short corporal we both know--and I couldn't tell if you were mad at someone or not. At least… until you were mad at me. Then it was a different story. Even when you were asleep I could tell when I’ve offended you some how.

I’m sorry about that, by the way. I was just socially awkward. I still can’t put what I’m really saying into good terms without getting someone offended, so I apologize.

The night before I lost contact with you, you asked me a question I’ll never forget.

You were sitting there, in the small mass of blankets in bed, playing with your fingers. You looked up and said my name, and I looked at you, “Yea?”

And then you asked. I can’t exactly put it into words because it was incredibly… Surprising.

You probably don’t remember, and that’s okay. Life goes on.

This past week has been very interesting: Sasha barked in her sleep, Erwin and Levi low-key hugged one another, and I’m pretty sure Christa and Ymir are hooking up, but I’m not holding my breath. Right now I’m sitting in a temperature-cool room and there are several other guys here staring at their meal ( I’m in lunch ) and all I can smell is the greasy cheese and stale bread mash up the cafeteria served. I mean, don’t get me wrong! It’s good once you wring the grease out of the crust.. YEP! Absolutely delightful. You're lucky you aren't here to eat this.

But aside from the peculiar, ass fumed smell of the room, everything’s fine. We all miss you. I miss you.

I’m actually quite impressed with myself; I haven’t filled this letter with doodles and little drawings like I had my other ones. Guess that's probably because this is a serious letter.. No. An _emotional_ letter.

So… Now what?

I don’t know what to write about.

There’s so much I want to say, but I can’t seem to put them into words.

The bottle of rum is almost empty.

I woke up with a headache and a small pit in my stomach because you weren’t there, but I was happy either way because I still had you in my memories: you laughing and crying and singing and just laying there on the bed when you were sick.

I could remember it all, and now that I have to live off the memories I try to ignore the ones where you were quivering in fear of the damn titans that took your life.

At least you gave me the chance to associate with you before it was too late.

I was told by the counselor woman to write and deliver a letter to someone I love, but I’m not going to send it. I _can't_ send it. The person I love--he’s gone. You're gone, Marco…

So,

In conclusion of this engrossing, uncanny, Letter

I leave.

_Jean Kirstein_

**Author's Note:**

> This was a spring-of-the-moment thing; Jean and Marco are my two favorite gaybies. Hope you enjoyed.


End file.
